Who are you? Who am I? It’s a feeling beyond words, a profound truth residing deep within.
This is a personal narrative about the insights I’ve gained about myself and my profound connection with music over the years. Putting these thoughts into words has been something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Here, I’m sharing my intimate reflections and experiences, much like I share my music with you. Whether it’s composing music, writing lyrics, performing live, or engaging in any form of artistic expression, everything I do stems from the same core: self-expression. More specifically, it’s an ongoing attempt to get closer to expressing my “true” self. I am deeply fascinated by our existence and the intricate relationship we have with ourselves and the world around us. I’ve always been drawn to emotions that feel larger than life, feelings that transcend the limits of language. To me, it often feels like there’s a more significant truth hidden beneath the surface, a feeling you might resonate with too.
Like everyone, I navigate through life’s inevitable highs and lows ↓↑. Generally, I consider myself adept at embracing the natural ebb and flow of life. However, last year, stress overwhelmed me, triggering a series of panic attacks that left me in a state of anxiety for months. I initially believed there was a physical ailment; my heart raced, my vision blurred, and I experienced persistent dizziness. After consulting numerous doctors, the root cause of my symptoms became clear: Anxiety. I understood intellectually that stress could impact mental health, but I had never experienced its physical manifestations so intensely; I could feel it throughout my entire body. I believe these panic attacks were signals, warnings from my subconscious. This experience prompted me to embark on a journey of introspection, seeking to understand who I truly am, beyond the layers of stress, fear, and anxiety, beyond the constant mental chatter.
This period of self-exploration became the catalyst for my new album, “EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC,” a sonic exploration of this inner journey, navigating the peaks and valleys of life. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, and the learning process continues every day. I realized that for me, creating music is a direct and powerful way to connect with my deeper self. Music holds a sacred and therapeutic space in my life; it genuinely helps me heal.
From a young age, we’re all asked the ubiquitous question, “How are you?” We grow up learning to respond with socially acceptable answers like “I’m good” or “I’m fine.” Perhaps in closer relationships, you might venture, “I’m not that great.” Later in life, when things are favorable, you identify as happy. When challenges arise, you’re sad. You are insecure, you are lonely, you are heartbroken, you are sorry, you are miserable, you are lost. You “are” many things throughout your life’s journey. But this raises a fundamental question: who are you, really? What truly defines you? Who are you beyond your transient emotions? Beyond your given name? Beyond your deepest fears? These emotions are fleeting, constantly changing, yet something constant remains. Regardless of our emotional state, we refer to ourselves as “I,” but who exactly is this “I”?
These existential questions have occupied my thoughts for as long as I can remember. Often, these existential ponderings manifest as a feeling, a persistent sense of searching and wandering that has been a constant companion throughout my life.
Subconsciously, I’ve always been on a quest for something that would ultimately bring fulfillment. After years of touring the world with my music and seemingly living “my dream,” I came to a significant realization: each time I achieved a milestone, that same existential feeling persisted. I felt like I was still searching, just as I had been when I first began pursuing these dreams.
Eventually, it dawned on me that I had no real understanding of who I was beyond the constant mental noise – the ambitions, the dreams, the fluctuating emotions, the comparisons, the self-doubts, the ego, the constructed “story” of me. It was a sudden awakening, realizing that the ‘something’ I had been seeking externally had been within me all along: my true self. More specifically, the stillness within, the silence in my mind, an inner peace. Something perhaps I once knew instinctively, before the world and my surroundings shaped me into the person I identify as today. I realized I simply lacked a deep, genuine understanding of myself.
The concept of ‘finding yourself’ is inherently intriguing. In my previous attempts to find myself, I often ended up ‘finding’ and identifying with another facet of my ego, believing I could be defined by something external. However, the moment I grasped the impossibility of being defined by any combination of words, emotions, or thoughts, a profound shift occurred. I gradually became aware of a deeper, underlying truth about myself, a truth that defied verbal description, yet was palpable as a feeling. And this is where the transformative power of dance music truly comes into play.
Looking back at the songs I’ve written, a consistent pattern emerges: an underlying existential undertone has always been present. Consider these lyrics from songs released over the years, some of which you might recognize: “We rise, we fall…”, “Brighter days will come…”, “Don’t know where this road will take me now, but we’ll see…”, “There’s no truth in these dreams I chase…”, “All the lows, all the highs…”, “Searching all the world for one thing…”, “I just wanna see the light…”.
I now recognize that I’ve consistently used music as a vehicle to connect with my deeper self, to seek a more profound truth. Words, in their essence, can only “point” towards truth. Music, however, possesses a far greater capacity to draw you closer to the actual experience of this wondrous, ever-changing journey we call life. Music transcends understanding, analysis, or rationalization. It’s about forging a deeper connection, accessing a deeper truth, an experience that exists beyond the realm of words.
More often than not, the reasons behind writing a particular piece of music remain unconscious. But lately, I’m becoming increasingly aware that this journey of connecting with a deeper self has always been a subconscious driving force in my music. I’ve been searching for my true self through my music since the very beginning of my creative journey! This realization was a profound epiphany.
Dance music possesses the extraordinary ability to express feelings and experiences that are inherently indescribable and inexplicable through language. Yet, despite our inability to fully articulate certain experiences with words, they are undeniably real, perhaps even more real than anything we can easily define. This realization brought a new understanding to the song “Light.”
Years ago, while traveling to a show, the phrase “I just wanna see the light” spontaneously arose in my mind. I developed it into a song, and it unexpectedly became one of my most recognized tracks. At the time, its personal meaning remained somewhat obscure. All I knew was that it originated from my heart, a deep-seated feeling. I was astounded by the sheer number of people who resonated with this song. Even now, I don’t fully comprehend its widespread appeal. But I believe, deep down, we all share a desire to “see the light.” We all yearn to feel connected to the underlying truth of this universe we are all a part of. We all seek to know ourselves deeply, to truly “be” and “see” ourselves, to see past the facades we and others present to the world, to connect with our authentic selves, and in doing so, genuinely connect with the world around us. This, in essence, is love.
I believe that whenever we encounter beauty that leaves us speechless, we experience a direct pathway to our true selves, to our authentic being: Love! We feel an interconnectedness with everything, and our sense of separation momentarily dissolves. This occurs when we are awestruck, rendered speechless by something magnificent. These experiences are moments of profound truth that deeply impact us. This can happen when we admire a painting, witness a breathtaking sunset, gaze at the vast ocean, or, naturally, when we immerse ourselves in a piece of dance music. It’s akin to a direct reminder of the inherent beauty of existence.
I realize that a primary motivation behind my music creation is to evoke this very feeling of returning to your true self, of discovering the inner light that is perpetually present within. Life is inherently mysterious, and I believe complete comprehension will always elude us. In the grand scheme of things, my knowledge is limited, and I, too, am navigating the daily oscillations of life. Music serves as my compass in this journey, and I find profound peace in the process of composing and sharing it with you. My hope is that it enables others to connect with a deeper place within themselves and with each other. Above all, I aim to encourage people to transcend their habitual modes of thinking and explore their own emotions with openness, curiosity, and love.
We are all familiar with life’s inherent duality of lows and highs. Yet, within this very mystery lies a certain beauty and intrigue. I believe I’ve subconsciously strived to emphasize this duality through my music. Life will inevitably present moments that bring you down, but even after stars burn out, their light continues to shine. I find immense joy in creating dance music that uplifts spirits, that aids in healing, and that fosters connection.
For years, I’ve been frequently asked to articulate my music, or to explain the meaning of a particular song. I’ve consistently struggled to find the appropriate words. It always felt inadequate to describe music through language. I would even venture to say that, deep down, attempting to verbally define music always creates a sense of unease within me.
In my opinion, the most fitting response to any piece of art is often silence. However, I understand we live in a world that often demands verbal descriptions for comprehension. When it comes to categorizing my sound or style, the term “Electronic Dance Music” never quite resonated. While acknowledging that these genre labels are simply human-created constructs for mental organization, I thought it would be interesting to create my own niche:
EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC (E D M →?← )
Existential dance music is for those who seek a deeper connection to themselves through the music they listen and dance to. It’s less about “losing yourself” in the music, and more about discovering yourself through it.
Music is an intensely personal experience, and the same piece of music will hold different meanings for each listener. This is part of its inherent beauty; a single piece of music can tell an infinite number of stories, each uniquely shaped by the listener’s imagination. Yet, there’s always a palpable, unifying energy within it. E D M →?← is intended to heal and bring a sense of peace ↑%!
I realize that my ability to create music is intrinsically linked to its personal significance. Music is sacred to me, and I treat it with reverence. For me, music must be pure. Every sound must feel deeply personal. Each sound and lyric carries a story, contributing to a larger narrative.
Throughout my musical journey, I’ve created electronic songs, acoustic pieces, trap beats, house tracks, soundscapes, and a diverse range of styles, all unified by a common thread: an existential undertone. This undertone is not one of sadness, but of curiosity, vibrancy, openness, and a yearning for a deeper connection to all that surrounds us. It’s all created with love. My hope is that my dance music can guide you closer to yourself and assist you in navigating the inevitable ups and downs of life. I hope it can broaden your perspective and help you perceive things in a new light. And speaking of light, whatever life brings, I hope my music serves as a reminder of the light within you that is always present. Shine on!
I am excited for you to experience my new album, “EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC,” releasing on September 15th! This album will be accompanied by a brand new live show, and I would be thrilled to connect with you and feel your energy at these performances. You can find the complete tour schedule below! Stay Vibrant!
-San Holo ↑%
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