Who are you? Who am I? These are questions that resonate deep within us, feelings that language often fails to capture, truths that lie hidden beneath the surface of our everyday lives. For me, these questions are intrinsically linked to music, and particularly, Dance Music.
Throughout my journey as a musician, and as a person, I’ve come to realize that my connection with music is profoundly personal and deeply existential. This isn’t just about creating sounds; it’s about expressing something fundamental about existence itself. I want to share some personal reflections on this connection, much like I share my music with you. Whether it’s composing melodies, crafting lyrics, performing live, or engaging in any form of artistic expression, my driving force remains constant: self-expression. More precisely, it’s a relentless pursuit to articulate my “true” self. The mysteries of existence and our relationship with ourselves and the world around us have always captivated me. I’m drawn to emotions that transcend the ordinary, feelings that surpass the limitations of words. There always seems to be a more profound reality just beyond what we perceive. Perhaps you feel it too.
Life, as we all know, is a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Like everyone, I navigate these fluctuations. Generally, I consider myself adept at embracing the ebb and flow. However, last year, stress became overwhelming, triggering panic attacks that left me in a state of prolonged anxiety. Initially, I feared a physical ailment; my heart raced, my vision blurred, and dizziness became a constant companion. Countless doctor visits later, the diagnosis was clear: Anxiety. I understood the theoretical impact of stress on mental health, but this was a visceral, full-body experience. These panic attacks, I now believe, were urgent signals from my subconscious, prompting a crucial period of introspection. I embarked on an inner exploration to discover who I truly was beneath the layers of stress, fear, anxiety, and the incessant noise of my mind.
This period of self-discovery became the seed for my new album, “EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC.” It’s an sonic exploration of this inner voyage, navigating life’s peaks and valleys. I learned invaluable lessons about myself, a journey of learning that continues daily. Music, I discovered, is my most direct pathway to my deeper self. It’s a sacred, therapeutic force, a true source of healing.
From childhood, we’re routinely asked, “How are you?” We learn to respond with socially acceptable answers like “I’m good” or “I’m fine.” Perhaps, with closer company, we might admit, “I’m not that great.” Later in life, happiness becomes associated with success, and sadness with setbacks. We identify ourselves as happy, sad, insecure, lonely, heartbroken, regretful, miserable, lost. We “are” so many things throughout life’s spectrum. But this begs the question: who are we, really? What is our essence? Who are we beyond these fleeting emotions, beyond our names, beyond our fears? These emotions are transient, constantly shifting, yet something fundamental remains constant – the “I” that experiences them. But who is this “I”?
These existential inquiries have occupied my thoughts for as long as I can remember. Often, these thoughts manifest as a pervasive feeling, a sense of perpetual searching that has been a lifelong companion.
Subconsciously, I’ve always been searching for something to bring ultimate fulfillment. After years of touring the globe with my music, living what many would consider “my dream,” I realized a recurring pattern. Each milestone reached was followed by the same existential feeling, the sense of still seeking, just as I had when I initially began chasing those dreams.
Eventually, it dawned on me that I lacked a true understanding of myself beyond the relentless mental chatter – the ambitions, the dreams, the emotions, the comparisons, the self-doubts, the ego, the constructed “story” of me. The “something” I had been seeking externally was, in fact, internal: my true self. More specifically, the stillness within, the silence of the mind, an inner peace. Perhaps it was a state I once knew, before the world and my surroundings shaped the person I now identified as. The realization was stark: I didn’t truly know myself at a deep level.
The concept of ‘finding yourself’ is intriguing. My past attempts to ‘find myself’ often led to adopting new facets of my ego, believing I could be defined by external achievements or labels. But the moment I grasped the impossibility of defining myself through words, emotions, or thoughts, a profound shift occurred. I began to perceive a deeper, underlying truth about myself, a truth beyond verbal description, yet palpable. This is where the transformative power of music becomes undeniable.
Looking back at my songwriting, a consistent existential undertone emerges. Consider these lyrics from songs released over the years: “We rise, we fall…”, “Brighter days will come…”, “Don’t know where this road will take me now, but we’ll see…”, “There’s no truth in these dreams I chase…”, “All the lows, all the highs…”, “Searching all the world for one thing…”, “I just wanna see the light…”
It’s clear now that I’ve always instinctively used music as a vehicle to connect with my deeper self, to seek a more profound truth. Words can only point towards truth, but music possesses a unique ability to draw you closer to the actual experience of life’s magical, ever-changing journey. Music transcends understanding, analysis, and rationalization. It’s about forging a profound connection with a deeper reality, an experience that surpasses the limitations of language.
Often, the motivation behind a particular piece of music remains subconscious. But lately, I’m becoming increasingly aware that this quest for deeper self-connection has always been woven into the fabric of my music. I’ve been searching for my true self through music since the very beginning! This realization was a true epiphany.
Music is uniquely equipped to express feelings and experiences that defy verbal description. These indescribable aspects of life are not less real because they lack words; in fact, they often feel more real than anything else. This realization illuminated the genesis of my song “Light.”
Years ago, while traveling to a show, the phrase “I just wanna see the light” spontaneously arose in my mind. It evolved into a song that resonated deeply with listeners, becoming one of my most recognized tracks. At the time, its full meaning was elusive to me. I only knew it originated from a heartfelt place, a deep inner feeling. The overwhelming resonance of this song with so many people was astounding. Even now, the extent of its popularity remains somewhat mysterious. Yet, I believe that deep down, we all share this desire to “see the light.” We all yearn for connection with the underlying truth of the universe, of which we are all a part. We strive for deep self-knowledge, to truly “be” and “see” ourselves, to see beyond superficial appearances, including our own self-deceptions. This profound connection to our true selves, and consequently to the world, is love.
I believe that moments of profound beauty, when we are rendered speechless, provide a direct pathway to our true selves, to our true being, which is love. We feel an interconnectedness, a momentary dissolution of separation. This occurs when awe strikes, leaving us without words – witnessing a breathtaking painting, a vibrant sunset, the vastness of the sea, or, indeed, listening to a piece of music. These are moments of truth, profound reminders of the inherent beauty of existence.
I now understand that a primary intention behind my music is to evoke this feeling of returning to one’s true self, of discovering the inner light that is always present. Life is inherently mysterious, and complete comprehension may forever remain beyond our grasp. In the grand scheme, my knowledge is limited, and I, too, am navigating the daily oscillations of life. Music is my compass, guiding me and offering solace in the act of creation and sharing. My hope is that it facilitates a deeper connection within individuals and between each other. Ultimately, I aim to encourage listeners to transcend conventional thought patterns and explore their emotions with openness, curiosity, and love.
Life inevitably presents both challenges and joys. But within this inherent mystery lies a certain beauty and intrigue, which I believe my music subconsciously attempts to highlight. Life’s downfalls are inevitable, but even after stars burn out, their light persists. I find immense joy in creating music that uplifts, that aids in healing and connection.
For years, I’ve been asked to categorize my music or explain the meaning of specific songs. Words have always felt inadequate. Describing music verbally has always felt inherently limiting. In fact, the very act of trying to encapsulate music in words feels somewhat unsettling.
Ideally, the most profound response to art is silence. However, we live in a world that demands categorization and explanation. While terms like “Electronic Dance Music” never fully resonated with my artistic vision, despite their utility in categorization, I decided to create my own, more fitting label:
EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC (E D M →?← )
Existential dance music is for those who seek a deeper connection to themselves through the music they listen to and move to. It’s less about escapism and “losing yourself,” and more about self-discovery and “finding yourself” on the dance floor.
Music is an intensely personal experience; the same piece can evoke a spectrum of meanings for different listeners. This subjectivity is part of its magic. A single piece of music can tell infinite stories, each uniquely shaped by the listener’s imagination, yet unified by a powerful, almost mystical energy. E D M →?← is intended to heal and bring a sense of peace.
For me, music creation must stem from a deeply personal place. Music is sacred, and I treat it as such. It must be pure, where every sound, every lyric, carries a story, contributing to a larger narrative.
Over the years, my musical explorations have spanned electronic compositions, acoustic pieces, trap rhythms, house grooves, soundscapes, and diverse styles, all unified by an existential undertone. This undertone isn’t melancholic; it’s characterized by curiosity, vibrancy, openness, and a yearning for deeper connection. It’s all crafted with love. My hope is that my music can guide you closer to yourself, aiding you through life’s highs and lows. I hope it can broaden perspectives and illuminate new understandings. And speaking of light, I hope my music serves as a reminder of the ever-present light within you. Shine!
I am thrilled to announce the upcoming release of my album, “EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC,” on September 15th! This album will be accompanied by a new live show, and I eagerly anticipate sharing this experience and feeling your energy at these performances. You can find the tour schedule below! Stay Vibrant!
-San Holo ↑%
