Who are you? Who am I? These are questions that resonate deep within us, feelings that words can barely capture, truths that lie hidden inside.
This is a personal story about my journey and my profound connection with music. For a long time, I’ve wanted to share these reflections, much like I share my music with you all. Whether it’s crafting melodies, penning lyrics, performing live, or engaging in any form of artistic expression, my driving force remains the same: self-expression. More precisely, it’s the pursuit of expressing my most authentic self. I am captivated by the enigma of our existence and our relationship with ourselves and the world around us. Feelings that transcend language, that feel larger than life itself, have always fueled my inspiration. It’s as if there’s a deeper reality just beneath the surface, a truth that perhaps you sense too.
Like everyone, life has its oscillations, its peaks and valleys. Generally, I navigate these ebbs and flows with resilience. However, last year, stress became overwhelming, triggering panic attacks that left me in a state of anxiety for months. Initially, I feared a physical ailment; my heart raced, my vision blurred, and dizziness became a constant companion. After numerous medical consultations, the source of my symptoms became clear: anxiety. While I understood the impact of stress on mental well-being, I had never experienced it so intensely. It was a physical manifestation, resonating throughout my entire being. I believe these panic attacks were signals, warnings from my subconscious. This prompted a period of introspection, a deep dive to understand who I truly am, beyond the layers of stress, fear, and anxiety, beyond the incessant noise of my mind.
This introspective journey became the seed for my new album, “EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC.” It’s an exploration of this inner landscape, navigating the highs and lows of life. Through this process, I’ve learned so much about myself, and the learning continues every day. I realized that for me, creating music is a direct path to my deeper self. Music holds a sacred and therapeutic power; it’s a healing force.
From childhood, we’re asked, “How are you?” We learn to respond with simple phrases like “I’m good” or “I’m fine.” Perhaps we might venture to “I’m not that great.” As we journey through life, happiness is often equated with positive circumstances, sadness with adversity. We identify as insecure, lonely, heartbroken, regretful, miserable, lost. We “are” so many things throughout our lives. But then, who are we truly? What defines us at our core? Who are we beyond our fleeting emotions, beyond our names, beyond our fears? Emotions are transient, constantly shifting, yet something constant remains. Regardless of our feelings, we refer to ourselves as “I,” but who is this enduring “I”?
These existential questions have occupied my thoughts for as long as I can remember. Often, these ponderings manifest as a feeling, a lifelong sense of searching and wandering.
Subconsciously, I’ve always been seeking something to bring ultimate fulfillment. After years of touring globally with my music, living what many perceive as “my dream,” I realized that each milestone reached left me with the same existential yearning. The feeling of searching persisted, just as it did when I first embarked on this path.
Eventually, I recognized a profound truth: I was disconnected from my true self, lost amidst the constant mental chatter – the goals, the dreams, the emotions, the comparisons, the doubts, the ego, the constructed “story” of me. The “something” I was seeking had been there all along: my true self, the stillness within, the silence of mind, an inner peace. Perhaps it was a state I once knew, before the world and my surroundings shaped the identity I now recognize. I realized I lacked a deep, genuine understanding of myself.
The concept of ‘finding yourself’ is intriguing. In my past attempts to find myself, I often ended up identifying with a different facet of my ego, believing I could be defined by something external. However, the moment I grasped that I couldn’t be confined by words, emotions, thoughts, or any construct, a shift occurred. I began to perceive a deeper, underlying truth about myself, a truth beyond linguistic comprehension, yet profoundly felt. This is where the transformative power of dance music truly emerges.
Reflecting on my songwriting, a pattern emerges: an underlying existential undertone has always been present. Consider these lyrics from songs I’ve released over the years: “We rise, we fall…”, “Brighter days will come…”, “Don’t know where this road will take me now, but we’ll see…”, “There’s no truth in these dreams I chase…”, “All the lows, all the highs…”, “Searching all the world for one thing…”, “I just wanna see the light…”.
I now understand that I’ve consistently used music, specifically dance music, as a vehicle to connect with my deeper self, to uncover a deeper truth. Words can only point towards truth, but dance music possesses a unique efficacy in drawing you closer to the lived experience of this magical, ever-evolving journey of life. Dance music transcends understanding, analysis, or rationalization; it’s about profound connection, a deeper truth, an experience beyond the limitations of language.
Often, the impetus behind a particular piece of dance music remains subconscious. However, I’m increasingly aware that this journey of self-discovery has always been interwoven with my music. I’ve been seeking my true self through dance music since the very beginning! This realization was a profound epiphany.
Dance music possesses the capacity to express feelings and experiences that defy description, that are inexplicable through words. Yet, these indescribable aspects are profoundly real, perhaps more real than anything we can articulate. This realization illuminated the genesis of my song “Light.”
Years ago, while traveling to a performance, the phrase “I just wanna see the light” surfaced in my mind. It evolved into a song that resonated deeply, becoming one of my most popular tracks. At the time, its meaning was somewhat elusive. All I knew was that it originated from my heart, a feeling deep within. The overwhelming resonance with listeners was astonishing. Even now, the song’s widespread popularity remains somewhat of a mystery. But I sense that, deep down, we all yearn to “see the light.” We all aspire to connect with the underlying truth of the universe we inhabit. We seek to know ourselves intimately, to truly “be” and “see” ourselves, to see beyond superficial facades, including our own. This yearning for connection with our true selves, and consequently, with the world around us, is the essence of love.
I believe that moments of profound beauty, when words fail us, provide a direct conduit to our true selves, our true being: Love. We feel interconnected, our sense of separation dissolves, even momentarily. This occurs when awe strikes, leaving us speechless. These are moments of truth, deeply meaningful and impactful. They can be triggered by a painting, a breathtaking sunset, the vastness of the sea, or, undeniably, a piece of dance music. These experiences serve as potent reminders of the inherent beauty of existence.
One of my core motivations for creating dance music is to evoke this feeling of returning to your true self, of discovering the inner light that perpetually resides within. Life is inherently mysterious, and complete comprehension may forever elude us. In the grand tapestry of existence, my knowledge is limited, and I, too, navigate the daily fluctuations of life. Dance music serves as my compass, offering solace in the act of creation and sharing. My hope is that it empowers listeners to connect with a deeper part of themselves and with each other. Above all, I aim to inspire people to transcend conventional thinking, to explore their emotions with openness, curiosity, and love.
Life inevitably presents both challenges and triumphs. Yet, within this mystery lies a certain beauty and intrigue, a sentiment I’ve consistently strived to convey through my dance music. There will be moments that bring you down, but even after stars burn out, they continue to shine. I find immense joy in crafting music that elevates spirits, that aids in healing and connection.
For years, the question of how to describe my music, or the meaning of a specific song, has been recurrent. Words have always felt inadequate. Describing music with language never felt authentic. I would even argue that attempting to encapsulate music in words creates a sense of unease within me.
In my view, the most fitting response to art is often silence. However, I acknowledge the necessity of verbal description in our world for comprehension. Terms like Electronic Dance Music have never quite resonated with my sound or style. While recognizing these labels as human constructs for categorization, I decided to create my own niche:
EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC (E D M →?← )
Existential dance music is for those who seek a deeper connection to themselves through the rhythm and movement of music. It’s not about losing yourself in the beat, but rather, finding yourself within it.
Music is profoundly personal; the same piece resonates differently with each listener, and this is part of its magic. A single piece of dance music can tell infinite stories, each uniquely shaped by the listener’s imagination, yet unified by a magical, shared energy. E D M →?← is intended to heal and bring a sense of peace.
My creative process is intrinsically personal. Music, to me, is sacred and must be treated as such. Purity is paramount. Every sound, every lyric, carries a story, contributing to a larger narrative.
Over the years, I’ve explored diverse styles – electronic tracks, acoustic melodies, trap rhythms, house beats, soundscapes – unified by an existential undertone. This undertone is not melancholic but imbued with curiosity, vibrancy, openness, and a yearning for deeper connection. All of it is created with love. My hope is that my dance music can guide you closer to yourself, navigating life’s fluctuations. May it broaden perspectives and illuminate new understandings. And speaking of light, regardless of life’s turns, I hope my music serves as a reminder of the ever-present light within you. Shine on!
I eagerly anticipate the release of my album, “EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC,” on September 15th. This release will be accompanied by a new live show, and I would be thrilled to share the energy with you there. Tour dates are available below. Stay Vibrant!
-San Holo ↑%
