Who are you? Who am I? It’s a feeling beyond words, a truth residing deep within.
This is a personal narrative about my journey of self-discovery and my profound connection with music. For a while now, I’ve wanted to articulate these thoughts in writing, much like I share my music with you. Whether composing melodies, crafting lyrics, performing live, or engaging in any form of artistic expression, my core motivation remains consistent: self-expression. More precisely, it’s a continuous endeavor to approach the most authentic version of myself. I am captivated by the enigma of existence and our relationship with our inner selves and the world around us. I’ve always been drawn to emotions that transcend the ordinary, feelings too immense for mere language. It often feels as though a greater reality lies beneath the surface. Perhaps you’ve sensed it too…
Like everyone, life presents its share of peaks and valleys. Generally, I navigate these fluctuations with relative ease. However, last year, stress overwhelmed me, triggering a series of panic attacks that left me in a state of prolonged anxiety. Initially, I suspected a physical ailment; my heart raced, my vision blurred, and I experienced persistent dizziness. After numerous medical consultations, the diagnosis became clear: Anxiety. While aware of stress’s potential impact on mental well-being, I had never experienced it so intensely; it was a physical sensation throughout my entire being. Looking back, I believe these panic attacks were signals from my subconscious. This prompted a period of introspection, seeking to understand my true identity beyond stress, fear, anxiety, and the constant mental chatter.
This inner exploration became the foundation for my new album, “EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC,” a sonic journey through life’s highs and lows. Through this process, I gained significant self-awareness, a journey of learning that continues daily. I discovered that music creation is a direct path to my deeper self. Music is sacred and deeply therapeutic for me; it’s a genuine source of healing.
From childhood, we’re routinely asked, “How are you?” We learn to respond with societal norms like “I’m good” or “I’m fine.” Perhaps with closer acquaintances, we might admit, “I’m not that great.” As we journey through life, happiness is often equated with favorable circumstances, while sadness accompanies difficulties. We identify as insecure, lonely, heartbroken, regretful, miserable, or lost. We “are” many things throughout our lives. But this raises a fundamental question: who are we truly? What defines our essence? Who are we beyond fleeting emotions, names, and fears? These emotions are transient, yet something constant remains. Regardless of our emotional state, we refer to ourselves as “I,” but who is this “I” we speak of?
These existential inquiries have occupied my thoughts for as long as I can remember. Often, these ponderings manifest as a feeling, a sense of perpetual seeking that has accompanied me throughout life.
Subconsciously, I’ve been searching for something to bring ultimate fulfillment. After years of global touring and living what many perceive as “my dream,” I realized that each achieved goal was followed by the same existential yearning. The feeling of searching persisted, mirroring my initial aspirations.
Eventually, I recognized a lack of deep self-knowledge amidst the mental noise – goals, dreams, emotions, comparisons, doubts, ego, and the constructed “story” of myself. The “something” I was seeking was, and always had been, my authentic self. Specifically, the stillness within, the silence of the mind, an inner peace. Perhaps this was a state I once knew, before life and surroundings shaped the person I identify as today. I came to understand that I lacked genuine, profound self-understanding.
The concept of ‘finding yourself’ is intriguing. In my past attempts at self-discovery, I often encountered and identified with different facets of my ego, mistakenly believing definition could be found in external labels. However, the moment I grasped that no combination of words, emotions, or thoughts could truly define me, a shift occurred. I gradually became aware of a deeper, underlying truth about myself – a truth beyond verbal comprehension, yet palpable. This is where the transformative power of music becomes evident.
Reflecting on my songwriting, a consistent existential undertone emerges. Consider these lyrics from songs spanning my career: “We rise, we fall…”, “Brighter days will come…”, “Don’t know where this road will take me now, but we’ll see…”, “There’s no truth in these dreams I chase…”, “All the lows, all the highs…”, “Searching all the world for one thing…”, “I just wanna see the light…”.
I now understand that music has always been my tool to connect with my deeper self, to seek a more profound truth. Words can only gesture towards truth. Music, however, is far more potent in facilitating an experience of life’s magical and ever-changing journey. Music transcends understanding, analysis, and rationalization. It’s about forging a deeper connection, accessing a deeper truth – an experience that words fail to capture.
Often, the impetus behind a musical piece remains subconscious. Yet, I’m increasingly aware that this journey of connecting with my deeper self has always been woven into my music. I’ve been seeking my true self through music since its inception. This realization was a profound epiphany.
Music possesses the capacity to articulate feelings and experiences that defy description and explanation. These ineffable aspects of life, though verbally elusive, are profoundly real, perhaps more so than anything tangible. Suddenly, the genesis of my song “Light” became clear.
Years ago, en route to a performance, the phrase “I just wanna see the light” surfaced in my mind. It evolved into a song that resonated deeply, becoming one of my most recognized tracks. At the time, its personal meaning was unclear. I only knew it originated from my heart, a deep-seated feeling. The widespread resonance of this song was astonishing. Even now, its popularity remains somewhat enigmatic. Yet, intuitively, I believe that deep down, we all yearn to “see the light.” We seek connection with the underlying truth of the universe, of which we are all a part. We aspire to know ourselves profoundly, to truly “be” and “see” ourselves. We want to see beyond superficialities, including our own self-deceptions. This pursuit of connection with our true selves, in turn, fosters genuine connection with the world around us. This is love.
I believe moments of experiencing beauty, when words falter, provide a direct conduit to our true selves, our true being: Love. We feel interconnected, and the illusion of separation dissolves, even momentarily. This occurs when awe strikes us speechless. These experiences are profound moments of truth, impacting us deeply. They can arise from contemplating a painting, witnessing a breathtaking sunset, gazing at the ocean, or, indeed, listening to music. These moments serve as poignant reminders of the world’s inherent beauty.
I realize that a primary purpose of my music is to evoke this return to one’s true self, to illuminate the inner light that perpetually resides within. Life is inherently mysterious, and complete comprehension may forever elude us. In the grand scheme, my knowledge is limited, and I too navigate life’s oscillations daily. Music aids me in this journey, and I find solace in composing and sharing it with you. My hope is that it facilitates a deeper connection within individuals and between each other. Above all, I aim to encourage listeners to transcend conventional thinking and explore their emotions with openness, curiosity, and love.
Life inevitably presents both lows and highs. Yet, within this enigma lies a certain beauty and intrigue, which I believe my music has subconsciously strived to underscore. Life will inevitably bring moments of darkness, but even after stars extinguish, their light persists. I find profound joy in creating music that uplifts spirits, aids healing, and fosters connection.
For years, inquiries about my music’s genre or a song’s meaning have been frequent. I’ve consistently struggled to find adequate words. Describing music with language has always felt inadequate. Indeed, attempting to verbally encapsulate music feels inherently unsettling.
In my view, the most fitting response to art is silence. However, in a world demanding verbalization for comprehension, description becomes necessary. The term Electronic Dance Music never quite resonated as a descriptor of my sound or style. Recognizing these labels as human-constructed categories for mental organization, I decided to create my own:
EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC (E D M →?← )
Existential dance music is for those who seek a deeper connection with themselves through the music they listen to and dance with. It’s less about losing oneself in the rhythm and more about finding oneself within it.
Music is profoundly personal; the same piece evokes diverse interpretations in each listener. This subjectivity is part of its magic; music narrates infinite stories, each uniquely shaped by individual imagination. Yet, a unifying, magical energy pervades. E D M →?← is intended to heal and offer peace.
My music’s genesis is rooted in personal resonance. Music is sacred, and I treat it as such. It must be pure. Each sound must feel personal. Every sound and lyric carries a story, contributing to a larger narrative.
Over the years, my creations have spanned electronic compositions, acoustic pieces, trap beats, house tracks, soundscapes, and diverse styles, united by an existential undertone. This undertone isn’t sadness but curiosity, vibrancy, openness, and a yearning for deeper connection. All crafted with love. I hope my music guides you closer to yourself, navigating life’s ebbs and flows. May it broaden perspectives and offer new insights. And speaking of light, regardless of circumstances, may my music remind you of the ever-present light within. Shine!
I eagerly anticipate the release of my album, EXISTENTIAL DANCE MUSIC, on September 15th. This album will be accompanied by a new live show, and I would be thrilled to share the energy with you there. The tour schedule is available below. Stay Vibrant!
-San Holo ↑%
