I recall a poignant moment in my office, the faint sound of distress leading me to the girls’ bathroom. There, I found Kesha, the student council president, in tears on the floor. After helping her up and back to my office, the reason for her anguish unfolded. She was missing the after-school sock hop, a simple joy of adolescence, because of her responsibilities at home. Kesha’s afternoons were consumed by caring for her younger siblings – snacks, homework supervision, dinner preparation and serving, laundry, kitchen cleaning, baths, bedtime routines, and even preparing her father’s dinner, all before tackling her own homework and preparing for the next school day.
When I inquired about her mother, Kesha’s response was evasive: “Mom is always sick in her room.”
Immediately, alarm bells rang. Having worked for seven years as a student assistance counselor in a middle school, I was familiar with the patterns of children of alcoholics and substance abusers. This scenario resonated deeply.
As Kesha and I built trust, she confirmed my suspicions. All she yearned for was to experience childhood for an afternoon, a simple wish thwarted by the responsibilities thrust upon her due to her mother’s alcoholism. Kesha was forced to parent her siblings because her mother was unable to.
Throughout my career, I have encountered numerous students who are children of alcoholics and addicts (COAs). These children are remarkably resilient and deeply committed to their families. They are not flawed, but rather, different. Their lives are shaped by unique circumstances where at least one parent is consumed by substance abuse, diverting their focus from parenting.
Perhaps by examining the coping mechanisms, or “Different Dances,” that COAs develop to navigate their needs and family dynamics, educators can gain valuable insights into student behavior and develop more effective approaches to support them.
Understanding Family Dynamics in Alcoholic Homes
The fundamental role of parents is to provide for their children’s needs: sustenance, shelter, clothing, and, crucially, love. Parents are the first teachers, guiding children in communication, conflict resolution, affection, and understanding gender roles. However, when a parent is incapacitated by alcoholism or substance abuse, unable to fulfill their protective and nurturing role, children must grapple with the void and make sense of this parental absence.
The impact of a parent’s alcoholism or drug dependency on a child is multifaceted, varying greatly depending on numerous factors. Generalizing COA behaviors can be limiting; however, research consistently reveals certain patterns.
COAs frequently internalize blame for their parent’s drinking. Thoughts like, “If I hadn’t talked back…if I just cleaned my room…finished my homework…maybe Dad wouldn’t drink,” are common. As young adolescents begin to compare their families to others, they become acutely aware of the discrepancies and often feel shame regarding their parent’s substance abuse. A common mantra among COAs is “Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.” They learn to suppress communication about their family life, develop distrust due to parental inconsistency, and detach from painful emotions associated with absent parenting.
Consistency in adult behavior is often absent in their lives. A child’s needs might be met in one instance, only to be neglected the next, leaving them to cope alone. COAs live with constant uncertainty, never knowing if they will return to a peaceful home or one in crisis. Simple things like inviting friends home become sources of anxiety. They often attempt to control their environment as much as possible to mitigate the unpredictable nature of their home life.
The Spectrum of “Different Dances”: Roles Children Develop
COAs develop distinctive coping strategies, or “different dances,” and assume specific roles within their families, behaviors that often extend into the classroom setting. Recognizing these roles can help educators understand and support these students. Here are some common roles you might observe in your students:
The Hero (or Perfect Child): These children attempt to stabilize their families by striving for perfection and “goodness.” They are driven, dedicated, often overly responsible, and frequently emerge as leaders. They place immense pressure on themselves to excel, often taking on excessive responsibilities and becoming overachievers. Perfectionism is common, and they may struggle in collaborative settings with peers who lack the same drive.
In your classroom, these are the students who appear mature beyond their years, consistently produce excellent work, and seem exceptionally diligent. Parents may point to these “star” children as evidence that family life is not as dysfunctional as it may seem.
The Scapegoat (or Rebel): In contrast to the hero, the scapegoat diverts attention from the substance abuse by creating disturbances and becoming the family’s focal point. They often act as the “truth-tellers,” directly confronting the abuser when others avoid the issue. These students may challenge authority, engage in early experimentation with drugs or sex, and often underachieve academically. While their independence and leadership qualities might be admired by peers, they often struggle with genuine connection.
In the classroom, these are the students who may disrupt class, challenge your authority directly, and create an atmosphere of chaos.
The Loner (or Lost Child): The “lost child” offers their dysfunctional family one less concern. They are acutely aware of their surroundings, anticipating potential crises, and become adept at emotional and physical invisibility to avoid conflict. These loners often struggle to form friendships, preferring solitude. They may find solace in artistic pursuits or retreat into fantasy worlds. Shyness, withdrawal, and daydreaming are common characteristics.
These are the students you might overlook in your classroom—quiet, undemanding, and blending into the background.
The Mascot (or Clown): The mascot provides comic relief within the family. Just as tension escalates between the alcoholic parent and the rebel, the mascot will interject humor, diffusing the situation and prompting laughter. Mascots are perpetually “on stage,” often exhibiting immaturity and struggling to be taken seriously. They are skilled entertainers but may lack awareness of when to stop.
In your classroom, these are the students who engage in disruptive but charming misbehavior, often pushing boundaries without incurring severe consequences due to their affable nature.
Compassionate Discipline: A Path Forward
The home lives of these students are often characterized by inconsistency and contradiction. They face constant uncertainty about what awaits them at home each day.
Educators may mistakenly believe that leniency, such as easing assignment expectations, is helpful for these students. However, one of the most valuable gifts you can offer a COA is the establishment of clear, consistent boundaries and routines, particularly during the tumultuous period of adolescence. They crave predictability and need to be able to rely on you as a stable presence in their lives. Strive to make your classroom a safe and predictable haven. Maintain consistent expectations and rules.
COAs often grapple with intense, suppressed emotions. If they experience stress at home and are conditioned to hide their feelings, they carry a reservoir of unexpressed energy that can manifest as behavioral issues.
Helping students identify and articulate their emotions in stressful situations provides a healthy outlet for this pent-up energy. To achieve this, become an “emotion detective.” When a student recounts an event, actively try to discern the underlying emotions. Expand students’ emotional vocabulary to facilitate expression.
I once worked with a young man consumed by anger, prone to outbursts in class. Initially, “anger” was the only emotion he could identify. One morning, he arrived in my office in a rage, recounting a fight with his alcoholic father over Oreo cookies he had packed for lunch. His father had complained about not having enough cookies left. “We got into a physical fight over some stupid cookies,” he explained. My simple response, “How sad,” unlocked his tears. Releasing his suppressed rage allowed him to have a more productive day.
Becoming an “emotion detective” benefits all adolescents, but it is particularly crucial for COAs. While counseling students is the domain of guidance counselors, establishing a rapport that encourages students to recognize and express their unvoiced feelings is within a teacher’s capacity.
Finally, even after creating a safe, consistent classroom environment and fostering emotional literacy, you might observe a worsening of student behavior. You may question, “What did I do wrong?”
In reality, you have become the secure, dependable adult figure these students need to feel safe enough to express themselves. The unresolved issues and suppressed anger and resentment they harbor towards their parents may be projected onto your relationship. While addressing inappropriate behavior remains necessary, understanding that it is not personally directed at you is essential.
Children of alcoholics and drug-dependent parents possess strengths and vulnerabilities like any other adolescent. Their uniqueness lies in the ” different dances” they have learned to navigate life and meet their needs within the context of their challenging family experiences.
Previously published in Middle Ground magazine, August 2010
